Why I’m Polyamorous: Probably the Most Honest I’m Able To Be With People I Don’t Know (Plus a Statement of Intent)

Hey folks.

This is the official post about polyamory and my own reasoning for why this is the life that I choose. Bear in mind that this is only my own expression of polyamory.

For those who haven’t been exposed to polyamory, it’s a form of ethical non-monogamy, where each relationship or group of relationships have their own understandings and rules. There are many great resources for understanding polyamory better, so it’s definitely worth Googling, if you’re curious.

But anyway, yes, I’m one of THOSE people.

I’m an admin for a Polyamorous group on Facebook, yet due to my demeanour and the fact that I tend to keep my private life out of other people’s faces unless I trust a person enough to share parts of it with them, I often get assumed to be monogamous by most folks because I “seem so normal” in a lot of ways. People can pick that I’m somewhat different, but are never sure what it is and I usually come across as within the acceptable parameters of weird. I know some of the reasons for this, but I’m not going into them here.

Part of this weirdness is that I can feel a lot of affection for people. Compassion as well.  These things come easily for me, but they don’t rely on any actual relationship beyond a simple recognition of similarity or circumstance. Despite these things, I don’t trust easily. I have an instinctive distrust of (most) people. This surprises a lot of my closest friends, because I’ve usually trusted them implicitly very quickly and it’s not until they see me around others and start to see how I tend to shut the hell up and just listen that they start to realise just how deep my distrust goes. If I somehow magically open up to a person and admit that I trust a person before knowing them for years, there’s often (not universally, but often,) a secret terror that I’m giving someone the weapons to destroy me emotionally. There’s a certain irony there, as this is one of the primary reasons why I’m polyamorous.


Okay, I know for a fact that I’m not the only one that has these trust issues. Having these issues means I’m painfully aware of others and I want to be worthy of the trust that these people put in me for some inexplicable reason. That requires honesty.

For me, the beginning of this honesty is being able to say that I can’t be all things to anyone, and it seems like hypocrisy to try to demand that somebody else do that for me, especially since I know that it’s impossible. It also feels cruel to me to lie to someone and try to act like these things when I’m just naturally, well, not. If I’m diverting energy into trying to be something I’m not, I’m also stealing it away from the things that I CAN be to that person and frankly, that does everybody a disservice. I want to know that I’m with a person because we’ve both seen the other properly and made that choice to be with each other on levels that we both choose and without expectations that none of the parties involved signed up for.

Another big part of this honesty is being able to honestly say “Yes, I feel this way about this person or these people” and having the freedom to explore that. To be able to open myself up to those feelings and instincts, rather than pretend that they’re not there, is a form of freedom that I won’t give up, nor is it a freedom that I will deny anyone else. I’ve dedicated myself to exploration of myself and the human condition and this is a huge part of that exploration.

Another important aspect for me is the pack; the family of my choosing. That collection of relationships, whether these relationships are those of friends, partners, lovers or other connections. I need to be able explore these connections and relationships wholly and honestly, with others able to do the same with the people within their lives. This is what I’m trying to forge in my life and what I hope to help others forge in theirs. These connections, with these innate freedoms.

Honesty. Freedom. Exploration. Connection.

These are the things that I feel rule my life and are the ideals I uphold. I don’t believe for a second that I can claim to live these things within the confines of monogamy as I understand it. This post is not a judgement on monogamy, but a recognition that it is not for me. I’m going to sign out here, but in the spirit of honesty, I’m going to do so using my actual name instead of my handle.

Phillip St Clair Martin,
Signing Out.


~ by southernhowler on December 6, 2016.

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